I spend the better part of the last 9 years working on a PhD. A lot happened in that window. A lot of life changing transitions. I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I lost my father, and then a year and a half later I lost my mother. These each had a profound impact on who I was.
When I started the program my goals in life were very different than they are now. I had planned on spending only 5 years working on a PhD – but cancer had a different idea. Then I had to start over. Through that process I have learned a lot. I have grown as a person. I have grown as an academic.
Just before the covid lockdowns started, I decided that I was done working on the PhD. I was looking at another year of writing and revising and giving up my free time working to jump through academic hoops that I didn’t see as helping me move forward in life.
At the end of April I official withdrew from the PhD program. I am no longer a PhD student. That feels weird to say because it was such a large part of my identify for a very long time.
Unfortunately, we don’t have a way to celebrate that accomplishment and we don’t have a way to talk about it. In academic settings, I might use the PhD (ABD) term, only to help people understand that my education is beyond that of a masters.
I updated my linked in to show that I had finished my time at uOttawa. I did not add a degree. However, this caused LinkedIn to tell all my friends that I had “finished at uOttawa”. I got several congratulations type messages – at first thinking I had to write back and explain that I didn’t get my doctorate. I just stopped being a student. It felt awkward.
And now, with the next semester about to start I’m in the situation of having to describe myself to my students. I am at a loss for what to say, as I am no longer persuing a PhD in Education, nor have a completed a PhD in Education – but the work I have done over the last 9 years wasn’t nothing. I learned a lot, and I have a much deeper understanding of a lot of concepts as a result of my time studying. But I don’t have a way to “label” the work that I have done.
I find myself wanting to just leave off references to the PhD, almost like I am trying to erase the work that I have done over the last 9 years. I am afraid that by walking away, it is seen as a failure – that I failed my PhD – which is not what happened. I chose to walk away from it. I chose to do other things with my time. I did not fail it.
But I am not being fair to myself when I ignore the last 9 years. The work that I have done over the last 9 years counts for something. It has shaped who I am as a Lecturer and who I am as a person. It isn’t part of me that needs to be erased. So I do I honor that time?
After walking away from PhD studies, how to you describe what you have done?
Feature image by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash
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